I am a bad friend. Here’s why:
1. When I say I will attend your _____________, I probably won’t. Time is more valuable to me than money, and while I don’t have much money, I have even less time. If you want me to attend your event, plan to serve a meal and invite my whole family – then we will likely come. Unless, of course, it’s one of those at-home shopping parties where you try to pressure me into buying things because I’m obligated as your friend. That is very uncomfortable. I’d rather just give you some cash and avoid the inevitable flipping through the catalog pages to find something I can almost afford.
2. I won’t (not can’t) remember your birthday, anniversary, your kids’ birthdays, or any other important day. I can barely remember my own kids’ birthdays. I don’t expect you to do anything for mine, and I’m not going to do anything for yours. What did you expect? This is about why I am a bad friend, remember? Did you think I was going to promise to bake you a cake from scratch every year on your special day? Sorry to disappoint.
3. I don’t talk on the phone. If you have something to tell me, keep it short and sweet, otherwise you’ve lost me. And even during that short conversation, I’m going to be cooking, cleaning, painting my toe nails, or something else productive because I don’t have time to sit and chat all night.
4. If you make me feel guilty about anything, I’m not going to talk to you any more. Well, I’ll talk to you when I see you, but I won’t go out of my way. I don’t like being manipulated. Oh, and I also don’t like gossip. Or husband bashing. That kind of limits the conversation for many people.
5. If your kid is mean, I’m not going to hang out with you.
6. My family comes first. That includes not only my little family, but also my parents and my sisters. And the rest of my family. Even the ones I don’t like. Just kidding, but not really. Ha-ha!
7. I probably won’t call you back. And if I do, I will try to do so at a time when I think you are least likely to answer your phone.
8. I only get along with people who have very low expectations for a friend. I work full-time, I am a mom and a wife, I have a household to run, I have bills to pay, I have animals and a yard to take care of, I have meals to cook, I have laundry to do, and I’m constantly behind on everything. Please don’t expect much from me. Just take me as I am.
So, if you can put up with all of this, I am the perfect friend for you. Please, don’t all call at once.
Not that it matters, because I’m not likely to answer the phone anyway.