mandyholbert

A glimpse into our family – the good, the bad, and, of course, the funny

What’s for Dinner? March 19, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,parenting — mandyholbert @ 7:02 pm
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Here’s another recycled incident from when the kids were a little younger…

My children are truly wonderful and well-behaved. They are clever, funny, and sweet. They constantly surprise me with things they know, say, and do. I am about as proud as a mother can be without positively bursting at the seams. I love them and my family is my world.
But, let’s be honest. Who wants to read a mother’s gushings about her little angels? I mean, really!
So, with that in mind (you know, the fact that they really are good kids), I just have to get this off my chest.
I picked Kendra up from her second day of kindergarten today then went and picked up Maxwell. Things were going well, so I thought we’d stop by Ingles on the way home to pick up a few things for dinner and tomorrow’s lunch.
When I pulled in the parking lot and saw the front “mothers with children” parking slot vacant, I thought it was going to be a fantastic trip to the market.

I got out of the car and went to the passenger’s side to get the kids.
Those of you who know Ingles, know that it is a rare occurance for that valued front space to be open, and that it would only be open if the parking lot were relatively empty. Such was the case today. Parking spaces galore.
That didn’t stop an old bat driving a classy oversized luxury car from wanting the slot adjacent to mine, even though I was clearly standing there with the doors open trying to put my daughter’s sneakers on her feet.
She inched her way into the slot, eyeballing me the whole time, so I courteously closed the door enough for her to park.
The lady could clearly see what I was doing. Last time I checked, it only takes a matter of minutes to put shoes on a child. She obviously didn’t have a minute because she threw her car in park and immediately tried to open her door though my door was blocking the way.
I was courteous once. This was too much. I gathered my kids, and quickly zapped the impatient lady with my laser-vision-I-reserve-for-the-most-annoying-of-individuals and walked my children into the store.
Little did I know, my problems would not end there.
I got a buggy to put my purchases in and Max immediately jumped on the prime spot on the front so he wouldn’t have to walk through the store. Kendra (who I feel compelled to say is very overtired both physically and emotionally from starting school this week), instantly broke down crying and whining/screaming that it was not fair for Max to get to ride. Her feet hurt. Sneakers make her feet hot. Blah, blah, blah, wah, wah, wah. You get the idea.
Well, in the process of trying to stop her from shattering the glass windows in Ingles with her shrill, piercing screams, I guess I may have maneuvered that buggy a bit too enthusiatically and, well, I threw my son off.
He landed on the floor and of course screamed louder than his older sister was.
Lovely.
Once again, those of you who know my son, know his unique talent of being able to vomit on command. Since Kendra’s screams were still louder than his, he pulled out the big guns and barfed all over me and himself.
Yep.
I took those two little buggers to the restroom, cleaned them up, chewed them out a bit, then gave up on the whole grocery shopping endeavor for the night.
When we were leaving the store, Max shirtless and both of them afriad to cry anymore, I had to step over an ever-so-small spot of vomit in the deli department (and that, incidentally, is why you should never eat off the floor in public places). I sincerely hoped that my new dear friend from the parking lot wouldn’t be so unfortunate as to step in it.
We got in the car, with no incident this time, and left.
I still don’t know what we are going to eat for dinner.

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When Caught by Surprise Leave Mouth Closed: A Rather Yucky Lesson in Parenting March 5, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,parenting,Silly Situations — mandyholbert @ 5:25 am
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I had barf in my mouth this weekend, and it wasn’t mine.

We went to my grandma’s house in South Carolina, and that is usually tons of fun for the kids because they get to play with their cousins.  It started out just like usual with them running around having a great time.

Then, Max came and got on my lap and said he was sleepy.  I played along and let him pretend to fall asleep on me.  I soon realized he was actually sleeping and not faking.

I noticed he was getting a little warm, and I was a little concerned anyway that he was sleeping when he could be playing.  I asked him a few times when he woke up to change positions if he felt okay.  He kept saying yes.

Next thing I knew, he sat up abruptly and starting vomiting, right in my grandma’s living room.  I was very startled (so was he) and in my state of surprise, I opened my mouth wide.  That’s how I got a mouth full of what he was spitting out of his mouth.

I tried so hard to catch most of the throw-up in my hands so it wouldn’t get on the furniture.  But I realized it wasn’t going to stop any time soon.  So, Max and I made a run for outside.  He erupted twice on the way and when we made it outside, he bent over and kept spitting.  I was right beside him spitting that stuff out of my mouth.

We were covered.  Literally from head to toe.  I felt so bad for him.  He was so embarrassed and he looked so puny.  I got those nasty clothes off of him and put him in a nice warm shower.

Thankfully, my mom, aunt, and grandma cleaned up the living room for me – I don’t think it was too bad anyway since I managed to catch a large portion of it in my bare hands and all over the front of my shirt and jeans.  I had had about all the vomit I could take for a day.

When we talked about it later, one of my uncles told me he would have vomited himself if any had gotten in his mouth.

Don’t get me wrong here – I do not have a steel stomach.  I don’t like blood, vomit, poop, or snot.  But, for some reason, when my own child is sick, it just doesn’t really faze me.

I shrugged my shoulders and told him, “If he had to taste it, I guess I can too.  Besides, it tasted kind of like apple juice.”

Very, very gross apple juice.

And for anyone who is wondering about little buddy, he’s on the mend.  He’s still fighting some kind of sickness as a lot of people seem to be right now, but at least the throwing up part is over.  And, so far, I’ve managed not to catch it.  Talk about a strong immune system!

 

Mount Maximus February 29, 2012

Max’s range of talents is impressive.  Perhaps his most unusual (and certainly most undesirable) is his ability to vomit on command.

He does this at the most inopportune times (now that I consider it, though, any time is rather inopportune for this).  I can usually see it coming.  I’ve learned when we go to restaurants to watch for the nuances in his expressions that let me know he’s about to blow.

And blow he does!  It’s not simply spitting food discreetly into a napkin – he spews.  He explodes.  He erupts.

The worst time I can recall out of the years of this happening in almost every eating establishment we have visited as a family was at Blue Sky Cafe, our very favorite local restaurant where the waitresses don’t even have to ask what we want to eat when we go.

It was a pretty crowded evening, and the setting is cozy anyway.  We enjoyed our dinner with no incident.  The kids behaved and no one spilled anything, argued, cried, choked, or broke any dishes (not that any of those things have ever happened when our nice little family eats out).  We tipped our favorite waitress and got up to leave.

Ronnie decided to carry Max out.  He grabbed him around the waist and playfully swung him through the air as he scooted out of our tight table.  It was just like a slow-motion reply as I saw what happened.  I saw “the look” on Max’s face just a split-second too late.

Max started projectile vomiting as soon as Ronnie picked him up, and because Ronnie was swinging him through the air, the vomit arched through the air with momentum.  It was like one of those photographs that captures water in motion.  A perfect arch of orangy-colored nastiness stuck in mid-air.  If only it could have stayed stuck.  Of course, inevitably, it had to land.

Oh dear.  This is still so embarrassing to think about.  Those poor people who were innocently sitting there enjoying conversation over dinner.  I guess I really don’t need to explain what happened.

We sent our waitress flowers the next day.

We really liked the restaurant, after all.  We wanted to be welcomed there again.

You know, we get some strange looks from people when we eat out and we scold our son at the table.  I know people think we’re odd when they overhear my vehement whispers, “Maxwell Trenton, don’t you dare choke!  Don’t you even think about choking.  Do. Not. Throw. Up.”

What can I say?  He can totally control it (just ask him).  And I can’t afford flowers for every waitress in town.

If you hear us out in public threatening our four-year-old about choking, now you understand why.