A glimpse into our family – the good, the bad, and, of course, the funny

Shopping with Max May 7, 2012

Filed under: children,family,gardening,humor,Max,parenting — mandyholbert @ 5:44 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Since we decided to add goats to our family mini-farm, we needed to go to Tractor Supply and Lowe’s to purchase a few supplies.  We’re picking up the goats next weekend, so the most important thing is to have a place to put them.

A day of shopping at these particular stores is not high on the kids’ list of fun things to do, so we usually try to make it at least a little bit fun for them.  At Tractor Supply, we let them each pick out one thing to buy.  Kendra picked a book about training and caring for pet rabbits.  A very sensible choice.

Max searched the store high and low.  He wanted a finch feeder for his stuffed animals.  I said no (that just didn’t make sense).  He wanted a hard hat.  I said no (it was too big for him).  He wanted a die-cast car.  I said no (it was outside of the price range).  Finally, he found a vibrating ball that we both agreed on, so we bought it.

At Lowe’s, we ran into some friends of ours so we stopped to talk for a while.  We were pretty close to the restrooms, so when the kids asked if they could go, we let them as long as they promised to stay together.

Several minutes later, a rather guilty looking Max came running back to us.

“Where is your sister?” I demanded.  “I told you two to stay together!”

We went to look for Kendra, and when she emerged from the restroom, she was indignant.

“What happened?” I asked as Max buried his head in my leg and wailed, “I’m sorry!”

Kendra was hot.  Max started fake crying.

“When I was using the bathroom, Max went in all the stalls and locked them and then crawled out.  I was telling him not to!  But he wouldn’t listen!  Then he left and I had to crawl under all the doors so I could unlock them!!”

We looked at Max.

“Why did you do that?”

He shrugged.

We thanked Kendra for undoing his naughtiness.  Then we went to the garden center to finish our shopping.


The Satellite Repair Incident April 28, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,Max,parenting — mandyholbert @ 8:26 am
Tags: , , ,

Last time I called our satellite TV provider about a problem with our service, I was on the phone for well over an hour.  So this time, I tried online chatting.  It still took over an hour, but at least my ear wasn’t burning.

I went through all the troubleshooting that the representative could walk me through before she finally determined I needed a service call.  Arg!  Of course I hadn’t signed up for a service plan, so the call would cost $95 unless I signed up for the plan for $6 a month.

So that’s how I ended up being awoken before 8:00 on a Saturday morning to a technician at my door.

He was very pleasant as he figured out what was causing our loss of signal.  He fiddled around in the house for a little while and then went outside to check on the dish.

When he came back in, he was a little amused.

“Have you all had any strong winds lately?” he asked.

“Yes,” we answered.

“I can attribute your loss of service to a couple of things.  First, it looks like the wind may have slightly moved your dish causing the signal not to be as strong as it should be.  But, mainly, your dish has been hit pretty hard with a lot of mud pies.  It’s caked on there pretty thick.”

We all looked at Max.

“Well, they weren’t mud pies, they were mud balls,” he clarified.

Wow.  Thanks, Max.

At least the whole family is up and dressed early on a Saturday and I now have a great service protection plan in case of future bad weather…or Max’s shenanigans.


Confession: I Have Littered March 20, 2012

Max has been bad lately.  The kind of bad that makes eye contact with me from across a crowded room and pointedly looks away when I motion for him to come to me.  The kind of bad that may finally give in and do what I say but only after an exasperated grunt with arms folded across his chest.  Oh, man.  He’s just been getting on my nerves.

This morning was just a continuation of a weekend of disobedience.  He antagonized Kendra relentlessly on the way to drop her off at school.  Finally, the days of repeating myself, yelling, pleading, negotiating, reasoning, ignoring, and punishing caught up with me.  When they argued while I was trying to drive, I blew my top.

I yelled at them and tried to keep my car between the lines.  It was something to the effect of how they need to listen to me and stop being bad and I’m trying to drive the car and blah, blah, blah…

Well, the “blah, blah, blah” is apparently all my son heard, because as soon as I stopped yelling to take a breath and collect myself, he reached over and pinched Kendra.

She screamed.  My blood pressure was through the roof.

I did something impulsive – something drastic.  I told Max to give me his special fart-in-a-can putty that he had just gotten at a birthday party we attended over the weekend.  He had been itching to play with it.  He was taking it with him to entertain him for the day.  I told him to give it to me.  I rolled down the passenger window, and I threw that fart putty right out.


And then…

He started crying.  “Oh, no you don’t,” I said.  “If anyone should be crying, it should be me.  I’m the one who has a little boy who won’t listen to me.  You don’t cry, or I’ll throw something else out the window.”

Well, he stopped.

The rest of the ride to school was very quiet.  After Kendra got out of the car, Max and I had a talk.

“Max, what’s wrong with you?  Why are you sitting back there making that face?”

“Because I’m sad.”

“Why are you sad?”

“Because you threw my toy out the window.”

“That’s right.  That made you feel sad.  You know what?  That’s just how I feel when you don’t listen to me.  I feel sad just like that,” I told him.

I think I got through to him.  I saw him make the connection.

I’m just so thankful no one witnessed my creative parenting this morning, especially a police officer.  If he didn’t get me for reckless driving, surely I would have gotten pulled over for littering.

And I can imagine the scene that would have ensued.  Kendra would have immediately started wailing and begging the officer not to take her mother to jail.  And Max, well, I think Max would have sat back there with a smug look on his face.

A look that said Officer, please forgive my mother.  I’m not sure what gets into her sometimes.  Go easy on her.  Oh, and would you mind kindly retrieving my fart putty from the ditch over there?  Carry on.


A Portrait of Max (as a two-year-old) February 28, 2012

Filed under: humor,parenting — mandyholbert @ 6:34 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Mothering a two-year-old boy can be hazardous to your health – at least it is for me sometimes. Let’s see, I’m sitting here right now with a sore nose (it only bled a little bit).

My son is a wild child. A lot of people say that about their boys, but mine is king of the wild children. Don’t get me wrong, though; my son does not need medication; he is not hyperactive; he is not even hyper. He is full of life, always up for adventure, and already a risk taker. He is an explorer, a prankster, and sometimes a menace. But he has a heart of gold.

He usually does naughty things, but not terribly bad things. Just mischief. Rather innocent, really, and usually quite funny. Imagine my horror Friday night when I arrived at my mom’s house after a long week of work only to find my son in real trouble. He had taken a marker and drawn, purposefully, on each chair of the kitchen table. This wasn’t mere scribbles. He decorated the chairs with dark green ink.

]I could hear my mom’s pseudo-scolding, so I ran in the kitchen to find Max looking at her feigning innocence. I swooped in and swept him away to the bedroom, where I carried out the parental duty of spanking (which was not really what I had planned for my Friday night).

Later, during dinner, Max came running to me crying that Kendra had hit him in the eye. Kendra followed right behind promising it was an accident. I asked Max if it was indeed an accident and he said yes, though he would not stop his overly-dramatic wails of pain.

Sometimes, I try different (okay, stupid) parenting methods. For some reason, I was thinking in my head that if I told Max to hit Kendra in the eye, he would not want to do it since it was an accident that he got hit. So, (it had been a long week, in my pathetic defense), I told Max to hit Kendra in the eye.

The boy didn’t hesitate. He slugged Kendra square in the eye.

Well, on the bright side, Max didn’t cry any more.

The look on Kendra’s face made me wish an Acme anvil would fall from the sky and squash me, taking me through the floors of the house, the layers of the earth, until I finally burned away in the magma-filled center. Oh, it was bad.

I ran after her and begged for forgiveness. Then I begged her to slug me in the eye. Ridiculous, I know. And, of course, this child would never dream of hurting someone like that (note to self: Kendra and Max are, indeed, different). I hugged her and kissed her and cuddled her and promised her I would never do something so stupid again, and she forgave me.

Oh, Max is always full of surprises.

Like I said before, he really does have a heart of gold. He apologized to Kendra. And this morning, when he lunged at me with all his weight and head-butted me squarely in the nose, he immediately said he was sorry and told me he would make it all better. He planted a tender, sweet little kiss on my nose, and cuddled up beside me and went to sleep.

He may be mischievous, and sometimes challenging, but I wouldn’t change my son for anything in the world.