When I came out of anesthesia, I didn’t know if Max was alive, and I was alone. I vaguely remember waking up and a nurse coming to talk to me, but I blocked her out. All I wanted was for Ronnie to come in and tell me what was going on.
They told us they were going to have to send Max to Mission, a larger nearby hospital equipped with a neonatal ICU. They let me see him before they took him away.
I’ll never forget looking at my baby in the incubator they rolled in to my room. It was so painful to see such a small baby writhing and contorting, discolored, as he struggled for breath. It was so unnatural. And he was hooked up to so many medical contraptions that I didn’t understand. I couldn’t even touch him. I looked at him in my post-anesthesia state, and then they rolled him away. My baby.
They put me on another ambulance so I could recover in the same hospital as Max.
Those were the loneliest moments of my life. I was in a half-conscious state, physically and emotionally exhausted from the day’s events. Max was who knew where doing who knew what. Ronnie was following the ambulance. And Kendra was with family. I just wanted the four of us to be together like we were supposed to be.
It turns out, Max had ingested and inhaled meconium during delivery. It gave him pneumonia and an overall treacherous start to his fragile little life. He was in the NICU for ten days before we finally got to take our precious baby home.
The important thing is that Max was in every single way a perfectly happy, healthy, strong baby when we finally got to bring him home. But, it was a long, hard process to adjust to having him home.
I feel bad even admitting this, but at first I was absolutely scared. I would put him in his bassinet and just stare at him. I was afraid that somehow I would hurt him or he would stop breathing or I would do something wrong. It was a gradual process for me to recover from the emotional trauma of his birth, and I think it was complicated by the fact that I couldn’t hold him for the first precious few days of his life.
But we made it! Max is our little buddy, and I thank God for letting us have him.
See what I mean about him being a lot of trouble from day one? And I absolutely wouldn’t trade him or any of his trouble for anything in this world!